IN yet another blow to her sporting legacy tennis star Maria Sharapova has tested positive for bullshit excuses and may face a further ban from the sport as a result.
Sharapova had tested positive for a substance, meldonium, which was only added to the banned substance list in January of this year, a medicine she claims she had been taking for 10 years.
However, when international tennis authorities, journalists and members of the general public reviewed footage of Sharapova’s press conference dealing with the positive test they found trace elements of ‘bullshit’, a verbal substance known to be harmful to a sport star’s reputation.
“It is sad that someone with so much talent would allow themselves to make such an error and then the press conference, I didn’t notice it at first, but on replays it’s very obvious she is through the roof for elements of terrible excuses,” a member of the International Tennis Federation told WWN.
Sharapova claimed in her press conference that she had been taking meldonium for 10 years for a number of health problems, despite a regular course of the drug only supposed to last a maximum of 6 weeks according to its manufacturer.
These claims along with doubt over whether or not she ever applied for an exemption from taking the substance sparked fears she would test positive for terrible excuses.
“You don’t like to see it in an athlete as talented as Maria, but I’m not surprised the tests came back positive for excuses, the press conference was very staged managed, conceited even, an attempt to keep endorsements perhaps,” offered sports journalist Don Smith.
Sharapova’s impending ban is set to cost her millions in off the court endorsement deals, but her prize money on the court will not be affected as Serena Williams was planning on winning pretty much everything again this year.
YOUR coffee of choice is poured, the sweetener added and now you’re left with one last task to complete your daily ritual – pawing the coffee cup lids. Please find this handy guide below for all your fondling needs:
Some people like to try use the wooden stirrers like chopsticks to pry apart the disposable coffee cup lids from the stack, but this takes a lot of practice and wastes a good 5 seconds of your important life. Just grab the stack with the entire palm of your hand making sure to cover every molecule of the lids to guarantee maximum you. Once happy you’ve left your DNA on every lid, put them back for the next paying customer to do the same.
Looking for a good dirty fondle? Communal coffee kiosks in petrol stations are probably the filthiest place you can get a coffee and are rarely wiped down. The stream of grubby pawing construction workers will guarantee the dirtiest of lids, coffee cups and stirrers you can find. Feel free to use the toilet, not wash your hands and go straight out for a nice, tasty cup of plumber’s crotch. Have a little nose pick while you’re there – go mad.
Accidentally dropped the lids on the ground? No problem Cinderella, just place the lids back on that pile, making sure your greasy, sweaty thumb covers the mouth hole for the next meat sack to come along and drink from… mmmm delicious.